After-School Routine as Autopsy
Your mother asks you about your day and you tell her
you want to peel the flesh from your spine like wallpaper
sliding off a damp wall, edges curling, falling limp on the floor.
That a parasite has rooted in your marrow—cleaving
and splicing your synapses. Neurons rerouted, firing
with spectacular dissonance. You sense each capillary splintering
beneath your palms, the tendons tangling in your legs.
You can feel your lunch sitting in the auditorium of your stomach,
clashing and churning, thrumming against your innards. She inhales
and laughs emptily, playing with the loose skin around her nail
as you prod at the chicken breast on your plate.
You trace your scalpel along the painted porcelain.
Search for an incision point. Dismember your meal.
Strip the waxy skin from your asparagus, press claw marks
into the belly of your sweet potatoes. At night, you kneel
by your bedside, aim your middle and pointer finger into the back
of your throat like a pistol. Push the barrel further until your body
lurches forward with a bang. The burn is ceremonial, a prelude:
the smell of gasoline before the match. You grab the scissors
on your desk, hold the blade above your chest. Migrate slowly
to the concave of your stomach. You dissect your flesh, slice through
the firm tissue of your underbelly. You hack at yourself
the same way you mangled paper snowflakes in second grade.
Shave away imperfect triangles of white. Your hands are slick
and trembling, resting in the cradle of your pelvis like two small birds
soaked in motor oil. You’ve placed each organ beside you,
laid them out like fruit on a cutting board.
You think of jack-o’-lanterns, the way your mother used to let you
scoop the pulp out with your hands—elbow-deep in orange,
fingernails packed with seed. You close your eyes and wait for the air
to echo in the yawning cavity. To feel the nothingness
inside you. You think this is the lightest you’ve felt in a long time.
Filiz Fish is a high school senior from Los Angeles, California. She has been recognized by the Alliance for Young Artists & Writers, the National Poetry Quarterly, The Adroit Journal, and more. In her free time, she enjoys reading and listening to music.